Teleconference is on at the behest of PMO. Main subject for discussion is phased lifting of lockdown. Concerned ministries are Home, Railways and Civil Aviation. Despite the Aviation minister being minister of state, this is a high power committee meet since important decisions are to be taken. Finance ministry is deliberately ignored for this high power committee meet seeing the low power performance of the concerned minister with the twenty lakh crores package which enthused nobody in the country despite the huge amount on display. The FM who was tasked to disseminate the details of the stimulus package to the public ended up conveying it in about five days that the benefits will come to them in as many years rather than months. The lackluster performance is one of the reasons she is not here today.
PM: Since we have decided to lift the lockdown in phases conditionally, I hope your ministries are fully prepared to handle the situation. As we all know, lockdown or no lockdown, the damn virus is not going to leave us in the near future.
Home Minister: Being from the Home Ministry we will always keep reminding the people the need to stay home. We are always on the job of familiarizing them with the slogans ‘stay home’, and ‘ home quarantine’. We have roped in national award winning poets to write poems on the theme ‘ home – sweet home’ so that people stay put. But I was stumped when one arrogant poet asked me what about those millions who are ‘homeless’. Looks like an anti-national. I have already ordered an investigation into his past. Even if the lockdown is lifted, we are appealing to the people to stay home because that’s what appears to be the only safest way available today.
Railway Minister: We are running trains for those stuck in other states and migrant workers wanting to return to their home states. But the problem is, no home state wants these two specific categories because it will upset the state’s comfortable Corona infection statistics. The Kerala CM with the least virus death rate in the country simply asked me to cancel an entire train and has not yet replied to me what to do with all the Malayalees booked to return home from other states. This is the same case with many other states . They all want to hang on to the comfortably low level statistics which such influx can upset. They don’t care about what will happen to Railways if we don’t run trains!
A 21 year old mother dying in train without food or water for two days is already giving us a bad name. Adding losses too is unthinkable. I clearly see a conspiracy angle behind all these to spoil the name of the Railways Ministry.
Civil Aviation Minister: To save the jobs of over thirty lakhs employees connected to my ministry and to save huge tax income to the Govt., I have decided to start the domestic flights but look at the attitudes of CMs of some large states with metro cities, from where maximum revenue is generated. These CMs have to be sent on compulsory basic economy courses. As the Rail Minister said, their priority is low virus infection statistics rather than allowing their own people return home. They also have no idea if the aircrafts are kept idle for too long, all the airlines will become bankrupt including the profitable ones. Entire Air India may have to be sold as scrap. Even keeping all the aircraft grounded for too long durations will render them scrap too. Who will tell the CMs who don’t want the flights to operate for selfish reasons, all these facts ? Is their Corona charts more important than the country’s economy chart?
PM: But more than the statistics they cite the pre condition of 14 day quarantine each time a passenger travels, as the problem. Businessmen will opt for teleconferencing rather than air travel. Have you thought of a viable plan to overcome the problem and attract them back to air travel?
HM (intervenes): I think Central minister from Karnataka Mr. Sadananda Gowda has an answer for this problem. Aviation minister should consult him immediately. He recently went to Bengaluru from Delhi and was back in Delhi in just two days. Must be a wizard or at least a genius. When we have such wise men in our govt., why worry? CAM please dial him immediately and you have the answer to the PM’s question.
RM: But what do I do with CMs who simply refuse to accept their own people? I may be compelled to charge them return fares at the time of booking itself since I may have to bring the entire train back if the CMs refuse permission for the passengers to disembark on arrival in their respective home states? We are already blamed for overcharging the migrants despite the highly confusing 85 % subsidy announced by the FM which our senior Accounts officials have failed to decipher for the past many weeks. In the interregnum we are left with no option but to charge them full fare because, as for the balance 15% which the states are supposed to contribute as per the FM, no states have even heard of such a thing. Ultimately the Railways end up being blamed for everything. I can see the conspiracy angle, very clearly now.
HM: From all these complications one thing is clear. The best option to avoid all the unnecessary trouble is, to follow my ministry’s directive – ‘stay home’. If everybody stays home where is the problem? So, making them all staying home is the remedy for all the problems. This should be our prime focus today.
PM: If everybody stays home and nothing works, where will money come from even for your and my salaries ? How long can we keep people locked up through lockdown? How will even the people survive by staying home all the time! With no productivity, can the country survive? Without a respectable GDP level, will the G-20 leaders continue to bear my tight embraces smilingly in future? Isn’t it time we thought of alternatives?
HM: Excuse me Modiji. I was only a junior minister in your cabinet in Gujarat. At that time you didn’t realize my worth. But now that you have, aren’t you forgetting something? Just go through the history of the long Congress rule. Agreed, as a matter of policy we blame them for all the ills of the country. But don’t forget they survived many such crisis situations in the past by exercising simple ‘ playing the ball’ game! Why should the Centre take all the worries and tensions about the Corona situation, lockdown problems, its economic impact etc and be answerable to every Tom Dick and Harry for something a foreign virus is doing to our country ! Throw the ball on the states’ court and and let them face the music from now on. Just relax Boss, and everybody. With Amit Shah around every problem has a solution. See how lost states are regained in no time? I have brought home made
Undeu ( a very delicious high quality Gujarati dish). Lets enjoy it. Just feel at home, folks.
I love history. While digging it I have found so many gems the Congress strategists have invented for their govt.’s survival during crises. Whether we love them or hate them, following some of those will make our life easier. Can you beat these? :
When in dire domestic crisis, cosy up privately to the Pak PM and request a small help by starting a border skirmish which will eventually grow into a war-like situation, diverting the people’s attention to nationalism. The domestic crisis is forgotten for good.
To override a financial crisis, paun our gold stock to the Global Pathan - Bank of England, clandestinely. Alternatively go to World Bank and bully them into coughing up some petty cash to tide over the cash flow problem.
Instead of this and that Yojanas, or announcing impracticable packages in lakhs of crores which only excites the announcer, just coin attractive slogans like ‘Garibi Hatao “ – That’ll do the trick at no cost at all to anyone.
Unlearn how to self-destruct.
Lots more, but will do for now. Call me any time you need more such gems. This humble servant is at your service.
The meeting ends with a vote of thanks to the chair. The single line minutes of the meeting read: ‘ Lockdown extended to the 5th stage with many major relaxations to ease people’s lives and restore normalcy in phases – subject to decision by the states whether or not to implement them, entirely at their own discretion!”. Period!
*****
OVERHEARD
Recently daughter of a friend got married. It was a typical lockdown marriage strictly as per the lockdown parameters. Marriage over, the bride kneeled at her parent’s feet for blessings prior to leaving for her husband’s place – or so I thought. But the blessings she took was for proceeding to the quarantine as some guests had tested positive. Both bride and bridegroom were taken to the govt.‘s official quarantine building.
Time is not far when the authorities may have requests for ‘Honeymoon Quarantine Quarters”. So, they better be prepared! Times are-a- changing you know.
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