In view of the serious geopolitical situation in the region on account of the Chinese attack on our territory in the Galwan Valley , PM Modi summons Foreign Minister Jaishankar for an urgent meeting. Accompanied by his senior most officials, the minister also known as the Minister of External Affairs arrives and the meeting starts.
PM: Poor show Jaishankarji. When I appointed you to the post from nowhere, my expectations were high. Forget China and Pakistan, look at what the puny Nepal has done! How dare they gnaw at our territory in Uttarakhand! What are your diplomats doing these days? There’s diplomatic failure everywhere. China killed our twenty brave soldiers and no one condemned China except my dear friend Trump Bhai. But for his damn obsession with H1B visas, he is a true friend. Every other top leader I embraced several times in the past six years just keeps quiet! And you are sitting there doing nothing about it. You will need to explain this serious diplomatic lapse Jaishankarji.
Jaishankar: (Wanted to say but didn’t say). Sir, you were the de facto Foreign Minister travelling the world hugging and embracing every world leader including the Chinese and Nepal PMs. You didn’t take me with you even once. Neither did you take late Sushma Swarajji with you during her entire tenure as the FM. You also don’t discuss anything with the Foreign Ministry, but only with the ‘know all’ PMO guys. So why blame me for the diplomatic mess now?
Jaishankar: (What he did say). Sir, I will look into it and will submit a detailed report. (As the PM turns to his PMO guys to talk, Jaishankar continues: )
Jaishankar: ( In his mind ). Sir, I had been the Indian ambassador to China long enough to know Xi Jinping has a double face and cannot be trusted. Because of their mongloid features it is very difficult even in normal course to read their faces. With a Chinese that too with a double face, you can well imagine how difficult it could get! He may be actually glaring at you in anger, but it may look like he is smiling at you. You may think he is nodding in agreement but actually he may be shaking his head in total disagreement!
You being not an expert on body language or facial expressions especially of the Chinese kind, you trusted him and he took you for a ride. At Mamallapuram, he was not smiling as you thought, but was glaring at you in anger for cozying up to his arch enemy Trump. He knows how much you spent on the Namaste Trump extravaganza at Ahmedabad and how much here at Mamallapuram. He has all details. You thought you had Xi in your pocket with the lavish treat! The fact is, it isn’t easy to tame the Chinese Dragon with the fire burning perpetually in it’s belly. Nehru learnt it at high cost in ’62. He is planning to teach you now. Take it from me, twenty is just a warning shot. If you are not careful and take what he says in it’s face value, more could be coming.
Also, I am not being ‘ saarcastic’ sir. But where is SAARC today? You invited all the leaders for your swearing-in ceremony in 2014 and everybody marvelled at your diplomatic masterstroke which could lead to exponential growth and development of the region in the long run. You even went to Pakistan uninvited to placate the Pak PM. But what’s the result? We eventually got a ‘Dhoka’lam!
During your first term, not Sushma Swarajji but you were the de facto foreign minister. Similarly even now you are the de facto foreign minister doing my job, even without the courtesy of a ‘ by your leave’ to me. So why blame me for the mess? Do people see my face in anything to do with foreign affairs in the past one year? You did it all, with your PMO team. So why are you asking me to sort out things with the Chinese now and trying to push me to the firing line at Galwan, may I ask sir?
PM Modi we all know, is an excellent mind reader, specially of the native kind. After observing that Jaishanker’s face had turned red and knowing exactly what’s agitating his mind and anticipating the possible questions which could be posed, and with an intent to preempt them, he speaks.
PM: Ok, you submit your report fast. But I want all the details. Where did our diplomacy fail. Why are all the SAARC members annoyed with us! Why is Nepal grabbing our property? Why is Bangladesh sulking - is it due to CAA as they say? Why are Sri Lanka and Maldives allowing China to build massive seaports in their countries? Why Myanmar refuses to take back it’s own citizens - the Rohingyas? And why Pakistan keeps irritating us and how, Xi Jinping after enjoying our lavish hospitality at Mamallapuram in Tamil Nadu, goes home and promptly sends his troops to grab our property in the Galwan Valley and simply get our twenty men shot? And not a world leader but for my friend Trump Bhai, condemns the Chinese for their naked aggression! With all SAARC leaders hostile or sulking and with hardly any world leader condemning the Chinese, what a terrible diplomatic mess we are in today! What happened to India’s legendry foreign diplomatic skills? I need an answer Jaishankarji.
PM sees that Jaishanker’s face has turned dark red and if his earlier facial expression was based on frustration, he could sense traces of anger now. Not that Modiji doesn’t like him. He actually does. It’s the circumstances that has made him to be so aggressive. He in fact remembers fondly, as the then Ambassador to the US, how Jaishankar managed the US visa he failed to get despite trying hard as Gujarat CM for twelve long years. Not only that , by organizing the ‘HowdiModi’ extravaganza in the US which catapulted Modi to the levels of a Rock Star Head of State, making even Trump fly down long distance to be part of it. This singular event helped elevate Modi to the world stage overnight, to be counted among top world leaders and most of them were seen making a beeline later, to be seen with him! It is not for nothing that Jaishankar is adorning the chair of a prestigious ministry today. But realpolitik has its own pitfalls which the poor ex: bureaucrat is learning the hard way now. Well, it’s a professional hazard and there’s nothing much anyone can do about it. Politics is a minefield which one need to learn to tread carefully, and survive – own his own. One false step – and you’re gone!
PM: ( Continuing with the preempting part of the unasked questions agitating Jaishanker’s mind and with an intent to calm him down, says in a soothing voice). You all know how much I did in the past six years to improve India’s image on the world stage. There’s hardly any country I have not visited and a leader I have not embraced, save for some women leaders? How many tiring trips, with the entire entourage, to every nook and corner of the globe. You ask a boy from a remote Pacific Ocean island and he knows about India! Though it worked up a huge travel bill, it’s a great achievement that the name of our great nation is now spread far and wide. But look at the situation today! Not a soul to condemn the Chinese aggression! No SAARC, no G-20, no BRIC or any RIC-RAC saying anything in our support – except of course our good friend Trump Bhai, who unfortunately is almost certain of not making it to a second term. What a pitiable situation we are in today! As the foreign minister of the country you owe me an answer.
Jaishankar: ( His face now darkest red. Unable to speak, but manages to whisper in a feeble fumbling voice.) I..I will appoint an expert committee to look into it and submit the report asap sir. In the meantime I will talk to my Chinese counterpart.
Jaishankar: (what he didn’t say, again) Sir you are an astute and shrewd politician. But diplomacy is a different ball game altogether. Let the professionals handle it , of course in consultation with you. It will take you much longer to understand If a Xi Jinping is happy or angry. Let me handle him and also the rest. I am thankful to you for giving me the position. But please also give me the job.
Just then the phone rings and Jaishankar picks it. He says to the PM. “sir, it’s your PA. He says the list of foreign countries to visit on resumption of international air travel is ready and is placed on your desk”.
The meeting over, while getting ready to leave, Jaishankar says to the PM, “ Sir, your PA also conveyed the news that Bhutan has blocked the irrigation canal supplying water to the Assam farmlands”.
The missing link in the SAARC now complete, with Bhutan having announced its arrival on the scene, both look at each other , not being sure how to react to the dark humour present in the news just recieved - whether to smile, or - cry!
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OVERHEARD
What is the difference between a Rock star and a Rock dancer? None, says the English scholar Mr. M. Ramachandran, the Congress Boss of Kerala. The context? In an article published in the British daily The Guardian in appreciation of Ms. Shailaja, the efficient Health Minister of Kerala for her commendable work in effectively controlling the Corona pandemic in the South Indian state , the writer referred to her as Rock star Health Minister.
Now, the people of Kerala being not that proficient in the English language, the scholarly Congress Boss took it upon himself the responsibility to translate the tough English expression, Rock star, into a simpler form they can understand. So, for their benefit he explained it by replacing it with a synonym - Rock dancer! Not only that, to help them understand it better, he also provided illustrations. Like, while dancing, she could use the attire of either a tribal ‘ Nippa Princes’ or alternatively the traditional, ‘Corona Queen’! To make it still easier, he said, along with Rock dancer, she could also be called Nippa Princes or Corona Queen – all being synonyms of Rock star!
People are so taken in by his deep knowledge of the English language, when last heard, they have totally abandoned the scholarly Dr. Shashi Tharoor and are now flocking en masse to Mr. Ramachandran to improve their English. That most of them are carrying with them black paint hidden in small containers, with intentions other than just improving English, could be a canard spread by his detractors, mainly from his own party.
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